Activism and Such: Disagreements
[This is the fifth part in a series about activism and such. Please see the masterpost for details.]
Just because someone disagrees with you, that doesn’t mean that they’re wrong. Recognize when you’ve made a mistake and fix it.
Just because someone disagrees with you, that doesn’t mean that they’re right. Stand your ground when you know that you’re right. (And keep in mind that you can do what without attacking that other person.)
Just because someone disagrees with you loudly and repeatedly and tries to make you out to be a terrible horrible person, that doesn’t mean that they’re right. Recognize the trolls and block or ignore them. You have no obligation to listen to them or respond to them in any way.
It is okay to disagree with someone. But understand why you disagree and if you should disagree, before you voice your disagreement.
When you first find yourself disagreeing with someone, or when someone disagrees with you, follow these steps:
Step 1: Shut up.
Step 2: Listen.
Step 3: Think about what they said.
Shortly after you get to step 3, you might be tempted to respond. Not yet. At that point, go back to step 1. Repeat the whole process as necessary until you understand what they’re really saying.
There are multiple classes of disagreements, and each one requires a different tactic. Here are a few of the ones I’ve encountered.
Objective Factual Disagreement: You said something wrong. They corrected you. Accept the correction and fix what you said. Or, counter with evidence of your own.
Irrational, Hate-Filled Disagreement: If it’s a troll or asshole that’s disagreeing with you, to hell with them. Trolls will disagree with everything you say and will never be satisfied, no matter what you do. They are viciously miserable people leading viciously miserable lives and they want to drag you into the misery, too. Do not let them. Don’t waste your time engaging with them, trying to understand their point of view, trying to make yourself better from the process. They don’t care about making you better. They just want to hurt you. Just block them and move on.
Territorial Disagreement: Sometimes, you’ll run afoul of someone else’s activist world. When this happens, it’s like you’ve committed a sin in a religion you didn’t know about and someone starts accosting you for it. You’ll hear a tirade of all the -ists and -isms and -archys and -centrics that you’re either supporting or transgressing against, and even though you have no idea what in the hell they’re talking about, you get the sense that you’ve done something wrong. If you don’t understand what someone is talking about, that doesn’t automatically make them wrong. Pause for a bit and try to understand. This type of disagreement can go one of two ways. Often, this could be a learning opportunity for you. They may be opening your eyes to a different way of looking at things. In this case, it’s usually worth assimilating pieces of this newfound knowledge. Not necessarily all of it, but even if what they’re talking about is completely outside your wheelhouse, and you don’t really care about what they’re talking about, you can usually at least walk away knowing that this exists and maybe pick up a few vocabualary words. On the other hand, it could turn out that the person is completely off the rails and best ignored entirely. In this form, it can be difficult to tell the difference between someone who is earnest, but lives in a different world than you do, and someone who has malicious intent, which puts them in the category of troll (see above).
Subjective General Disagreement: This is where opinions and feelings come into play. You believe one thing, they believe another, and neither is objective, provable fact. I can’t really help you here. Unless you cast a +12 charisma spell on yourself, you’re probably not going to get them to change their mind.
Personal Experience Disagreement: Usually, in this case, someone comes to you, claiming that something you said or did was hurtful or offensive, or otherwise painful to them in some way. It can appear in the form of any of the other disagreements, and usually manifests itself as a combination of several of them. This type of disagreement can be difficult in several ways. You may feel attacked, because the other person involved is typically angry. You may feel defensive, because you didn’t say anything wrong. You may feel upset because you’ve hurt someone. Stop. Step back. Assess the situation. You don’t have to blindly accept whatever someone says, but you shouldn’t blindly dismiss it, either. You should start with the assumption that people talking about how they feel actually know what they’re talking about. They are the experts on their own lived experiences and how things are seen from their perspective, and you are not. Yes, your initial reaction might be anger or defensiveness, but try to see past that. Can you get to where you see their point? If you see their point, make it right. Agree with them, apologize, fix what you’ve said, whatever. Find a way to make yourself better from the experience. However, conclusions drawn from personal experience are not guaranteed to be correct in every case. Personal experience is often irrational and hyperbolic and oversensitive, and just because someone was offended by what you said doesn’t necessarily mean that you were wrong.
There are a few general points I try to keep in mind whenever I find myself in a disagreement:
- You don’t know everything. No, really, you don’t.
- When you’re in the wrong, make it right.
- Many people are wrong about a great many things. You can try to correct them. They might not listen, but you can try.
- Keep perspective. Small things should not lead to big wars.
- Don’t be an asshole.
- If the other person makes it clear that they are not going to change their view, you can remove yourself from the noise. You do not have to get the last word.
- You still don’t know everything.
- And remember, go back to Step 1 frequently. When in doubt, stay silent.
A disagreement does not mean that the other person needs to become your arch nemesis forever. You disagree. So what? If everyone you disagree with becomes your enemy, you will not have many friends at the end of the day. If you demand 100% ideological purity from your allies, you couldn’t even count yourself as an ally, because you’ve certainly changed your mind at least once. You probably have a lot in common with the person on the other side of the disagreement, particularly if you’re activists for the same cause. Build on what you agree with and don’t let the disagreements destroy you. Here’s a secret: I disagree with many things many other ace activists have said, and many of them disagree with things that I’ve said. But we’re all moving together in the same direction, because it’s the overall goal that matters, not the silly individual details about how we get there.
If you come out of nowhere and start yelling at someone at someone, you’re not going to get very far toward changing their mind. If the person digs in, there’s no room for movement, and they’re not going to give a damn what you say. Calm, straightforward, and factual will have a higher success rate than “Die allo trash!” anon messages any day.
And not every disagreement has to be a scorched earth fight to the death. It’s okay to walk away when it’s clear you’re not getting anywhere. That’s not surrender, that’s not letting the other side win, it’s simple time and resource management. There are better things you can be spending your energy on.
Of course, it is possible that someone is deliberately and stubbornly misinformed and insists on spreading that misinformation to others. It is possible that someone is so steadfast and single minded that they can’t even see their own blazing hypocrisy. And maybe they’re just a troll who’ll start a war with you, no matter what you say. You are under no obligation to respond to trolls, and if you do respond, you are under no obligation to be polite or civil in your response. However, it’s generally useless. Personally, I don’t see a point in wasting energy to change a troll’s point of view, but I do see a point in trying to influence other people who haven’t been fully corrupted by the troll’s blatherings yet.
